508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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