paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
