Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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