Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
