Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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