Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
