apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
