Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
