Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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