If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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