tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
