If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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