I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
