My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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