Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The air taste purple.
Randomize
