I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hippo gnu deer
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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