My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
