I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
