Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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