so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
