i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
