FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
