Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
