Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
