apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
