i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
