Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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