just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
