Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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