Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
