i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
