EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
is wine microwaveable?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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