did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
