are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
