They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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