i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
