I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
