Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
