So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
