literally had 100 drinks last night.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
