Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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