when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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