What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
