im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
