I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
