airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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