She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
