we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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