a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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