I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
