Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
