there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
