Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
