i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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