I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
